Swan Lake was unspeakably beautiful and impressive. I am having a really hard time talking about it, to be honest. It might be a “had to be there” type of experience. I could talk about how the black swan does approximately 40 difficult turns in a row, to the giddy cheers of an audience that could not handle it. I could talk about the fog machine that turned the lake scenes into a spooky backdrop for sexual violence. But instead, I am going to give you Texts from Swan Lake, inspired by the much more amazing series on The Toast that has just been gathered together in a book called Texts From Jane Eyre. Although Swan Lake is incredible, the storyline has some ridiculous bits to it that I found it hard not to laugh at. So without further ado, here is Texts from Swan Lake…
Odette’s Friend: So why does she get to be queen? Just because she was the only one of us reading a book in the Prologue? I have to be a swan forever and the pecking order is based on being a bookworm? It’s not like we can read in the water now anyway.
Odette’s Other Friends: Hehe pecking order. Because we have beaks now.
Prince Siegfried: Odette! My love! Tell that swan to hold still I need to test out my new crossbow that mommy gave me!
Odette: We’ve been over this Sieggy. All the swans are actually human women.
Prince Siegfried: But mommy likes swan pie. Just one? Isn’t there just one you like less than the others?
Prince Siegfried: That one over there said you still looked like an ugly duckling. I heard her.
Odile: Hey Siegfriedddddd whats upppppp??? <3 wanna come over tonight 😉
Prince Siegfried: Odette! I like this new sexy thing you got going on. And all that black you started wearing is seriously working for me.
Odile: All for you boo <3 you should marry me now.
Prince Siegfried: Come to my birthday party. Mommy wants to meet you. Wear that sparkly black dress that shows your booty when you do those twirly things.
Odile: Can I bring my evil looking gay best friend?
Prince Siegfried: Oh totally hehe does he like crossbows because I have one.
Odette: So Odile… not me. Not even the same name as me.
Prince Siegfried: But she looked exactly like you in every single way. What am I supposed to do?
Odette: Was she dressed in any way like me?
Prince Siegfried: She was vaguely swan-like and that is so you. That is so your look. Swan-like but not actual swan as in I shouldn’t try and shoot you with my crossbow. I wrote this down and everything.
Odette: How about the guy with her? Did he seem evil and exactly like the guy I told you kidnapped me and turned me and everyone I know into swans that have to float on a lake formed from my mother’s tears?
Prince Siegfried: Oh no that guys was cool hehe. He was her GBF, loved my crossbow, told me I should practice on swans more.
Odette: Yeah I am just going to peck him to death with my friends because we can never be human women ever again because you declared your love for some ho.
Prince Siegfried: Let me use your body to metaphorically kill him with our love!